solve for "x"

I remember my first heartbreak.

It was between me, myself, and I.

Because "me" forgot how important it was to love "myself",

and "I" never really knew how to love "me".

And I remember how much it hurt falling out of love.

Not with you, but with myself.

I remember being happy with who I was.

And I remember the day I decided I wasn't.

I remember not caring.

And I remember caring too much.

I remember trying so hard to make things work.

And I remember when you didn't.

I remember lonely Sunday nights

and lonelier Monday mornings.

I remember waking up with swollen eyes and a heavy heart.

I remember November 26th

but oh how I remember November 27th.

 I remember when "x" knew who she was and 

when she never needed help being solved.

 I remember when the equations were no longer 2+2.

And I remember when "x" got introduced to "y" "m" and "b".

And I remember when x didn't have to ask "y"
for all of the answers.

Because now all "x" seems to know how to say is 

"y"

"y"

"y"

So please,

solve for "x" 

because "x" has yet to be solved.

second thoughts.

And you didn't think.

You just pulled the trigger.

You didn't think about me.

You didn't think about the pain, the regret, or the heart ache.

You just pulled the trigger.

And left me alone to pick up the 

bloody pieces.  

But I would rather have this bloody wound 

than your blood stained hands. 

The blood stained hands still with a death grip on my heart.

And I would rather have this bloody wound 

than your ugly lips stained with all of your ugly lies.

Because this hole hurts less than your broken promises 

and my stupid wishful thinking.

Because this hole left in my heart hurts less 

than all of your mind games and manipulation.

And this hole hurts less than your pretty words

and hurtful intentions.

And I would rather have this open wound to remind me to be grateful.

To be grateful you are no longer mine. 

Because I was never really yours.

Because you didn't think twice about the trigger.

And you didn't think twice about the victim.

But don't you worry.

These wounds will heal.

And I'm going to be just fine.

Because baby,

I am no longer your victim.

welcome back.

I've been known to be a little loud
a little too sarcastic
a little too insensitive
and a little rough around the edges.

And I know that my attitude is a problem.
Mom I'm sorry I'll do better I promise.

And I've been known to be really good at overthinking
and really good at never feeling good enough.
Never feeling good enough for you
for her
for him
for me.

And so that's why I want to say thank you.
Thank you to Zoe for letting me speak whatever was on my mind.
For letting me cry through a computer screen
and for letting my heart bleed on these broken words.

Because I've learned that I am not as tough as I pretend.
As much as I hate to admit it I may even be sensitive.
And I think this class is to blame for making me soft.

And I realized that I am not Zoe.
And as much as I wish I could say I was Eva Peron
Atticus Monet,
Amaru,
or Courtney Rome.
Im not.
And I wont ever be.

Because I am sarcastic
and I say things I probably shouldn't.
And I am loud.
and a little too insensitive
and maybe a little rough around the edges.

Because I laugh the hardest at my own jokes
just to hear myself laugh.
Just to remind myself that I am happy.
And that there are still reasons to smile.
That there are still reasons to live.

So this is a goodbye to Zoe.
But this is hello to the real me.
A welcome back to the loud one.
The sarcastic one.
The not so tough one.

This is hello to McKelle.
McKelle Cahoon.

you ruined my favorite song.

And the songs each echo throughout my heart
and have never seemed to leave.
Because each song carries a memory.
And each memory carries a story.
And with each story carries each emotion
I ever felt with you.

And the emotions are stronger than ever.
The emotions are now stained across every
song you ever sang and every song you ever played.













And the emotions come the hardest with every
stupid breakup song. Because those are the ones
you always seemed to like the most.
And so I liked them.

I liked them because they were easy to remember.
Because for once I had something to remember.
Because you were so easy to forget.
So easy to lose.
Because I was so easy to replace.

broken record.

Someone please explain to me how it's possible to fall in love with someone

who hasn't quite fallen in love with you yet.

And someone please explain to me 

why the beatings of my heart 

are synchronized to yours

and yet the beatings of your heart 

don't quite match up to mine.

Because I've tried for years to somehow

 change the pattern so that one day 

we could dance to the matching rhythm. 

But you've never been much of a dancer. 

You've always been jealous of the way mine sounded.

Because your heartbeat seemed to always be out of tune.

And so you borrowed mine and never gave it back.

And that would explain why my heart keeps beating 

but no longer sounds the same.

Because now my heartbeats are a little irregular.

And now the heartbeats are dragging

and they're a little delayed.

Now they're a little out of tune 

and a little overused.

And each heartbeat hurts a little more than the last.

And now each heartbeat comes 

with the thought of you.

And now my heartbeats don't match the innocent melody.

Instead they match the crooning cry of a jazz lullaby.

And the words it sings no longer seem to be smiling.

And I tried changing my song for you.

But you were never willing to match yours to mine.

And I'm a little embarrassed by how many nights 

I've spent awake trying to rewrite the music.

But you were never willing to learn how to harmonize

 to my tragic melody.

And my heart's now a broken record.
And the only audible line is
"I love you."

And its always been your favorite.

Because you were intrigued by the scratches

and the irregularity of the tune.

The irregularity that matched up with my broken heartbeat.

The heartbeat you enjoyed breaking.

The broken heartbeat you were never able to figure out.

But don't you worry.

Because my heart no longer sings for you.

And my heart no longer beats for you.

Because I've found my rhythm.

And my broken lyrics now match perfectly to my broken heartbeat.

But at least I can carry a tune.

Because baby, my heart doesn't sing for you. 

lets fall in love

Our lives are built upon moments.
Moments upon moments.
And I think the hardest moments are the ones we know will never be repeated.
The ones that can never be recreated.
The moments that will last forever but only as a memory.

And the worst moments are the ones you know are going to be your last.
Maybe that's why standing under those Friday night lights made me a little too emotional.
Because in that moment I realized I was no longer the sophomore standing in the back
or the junior somewhere in the middle.
Now I was 18 years old.
18 years old standing in the front row,
standing in the cold watching her last football game.

And It was in this moment that time stood still.
And I realized that I don't want to count down the days until graduation anymore.
And that I'm actually not as grown up as I'd like to pretend.
It was in this moment that I realized I'm actually going to miss this.
I'm going to miss being 18 and carefree.
I'm going  to miss these moments.

Because these moments are going by too fast.

So can we please stop talking about how many more days are left until graduation.
And instead of talking about how many more "last times" we have together
can we start focusing on how to make these times last.
Really last.
Like tattooed across our hearts last.

Because I'm not ready to forget.
I don't want to forget.

Because I don't want to have to force myself to remember
to finally realize how good we had it.

So lets live in each moment.
Because we remember the moments not the days.

And let's fall in love with these moments together.
And maybe then we can fall in love with the days
and maybe then we can fall in love with each other.

can i ask you a question

I've spent the last week

the last month

trying to get over you.

And it doesn't matter how many times I seem to google
"how to stop loving him"

because not even Wikipedia has a clue.

And I just want to ask how you've managed to do it.
To get over me.

Was it the girl you kissed last night?

Or the one before that

or the one before that..

because you seem to be doing just fine.

And I just want to know why its been so easy for you

and why its been so difficult for me.

And the best days are the ones when I forget to miss you.

And it might be because I enjoy all the late night drives more than
I've ever enjoyed the thought of you.

And I'm grateful for the music
because I think the music is finally tuning out all of the memories of me and you.
Of us.

And I think ice cream is the only way to truly numb the pain.

But these things only last for a moment.

Because the second I'm left alone with my thoughts
it all comes rushing back.

And I remember that you're happy
and I remember that I'm not quite there yet.

Not quite happy with myself yet.

And I don't think it's fair that just the sound of your voice
will cause it to start all over again.

That I will fall in love with you all over again.
and again
and again
and again.

And I just want to know
if you ever still think of me?

And all I want to know is what you did
and what you're doing that made you forget.

And I just want to know how you made it stop.

Because whatever it was

whatever it is

whatever you're doing

it must be working.

So this is me asking you for some simple instructions.
Because I just want to make it all stop.