insignificant

I fear the insignificant things.

The irrational things. 

Because maybe I'm just a little irrational 

and maybe it's because I'm scared of myself. 

Scared of what I'm capable of..

or of what i'm not.

I'm scared of being in love

but mostly I fear that I won't ever be able to know when I am.

I'm scared of promises.

Because broken promises are irreparable

because if I hear one more empty "I promise" 

I think I'll lose it.

I'm scared of the unknown

but not as much as I fear the known.

Not as much as I fear the past.

I fear the way you say my name

because I know that I'll do anything just to hear you say it.

I fear you'll see the way I look at you. 

I fear the way you look at me.

But mostly I fear that it isn't the same way.

I'm scared of being forgotten

only because I'm scared of having to remember 

what isn't mine anymore.

I fear being lost.

But I fear being found by the wrong person.

I fear falling and not having you there to catch me.

I fear that I'm trying so hard to reach you

to hold your hand

to see you smile

to make you laugh

but you're not there.

I fear that I wont ever be good enough.

Because all I've ever wanted was to be the right one for you.

And I'm scared. 

Scared that you won't feel the same way.

Because you're the right one for me

and i'm just trying to figure out how to be the right one

for you.

warm chest and a beating heart.

The air was cold and it stung against her fingertips.

But she sits outside and watches each breath

as if to prove to herself that she was still breathing.

And she sat there and let the coldness of the air overwhelm her until she finally forgot 

what it felt like to ever be warm.

And she watched as the bitterness of her heart was reflected in the bitterness of the air. 

And when the sun came up it never seemed to welcome her

but she didn't mind because she was more comfortable in the darkness anyways.

She watched as the birds flew by and they mocked her.

They mocked her because she never had the courage to fly.

Because society weighed down her wings a long time ago.

And so she stayed on the ground.

But she didn't mind walking because the pain in her bones and the aching in her toes was the only

thing that reminded her that she was alive. 

She was alive.

And one day she decided to welcome the sun 

and she sat and watched as the sun removed the numbness in her heart.

And she remembered what it felt like to be warm. 

She remembered what it felt like to have a warm chest and a beating heart.

broken windows

The bricks used to come in 1's and 2's, and then 3's and 4's
but now they're coming in by the dozens.

They come with every second, every minute, and every hour.

For every late night spent wide awake

and for every single stupid heartbreak.

Its with each and every thought of you.

It's with every failed homework assignment and test retake.

Its with each miscalculation and misinterpretation.

And with each 3.68 not good enough for the honor roll GPA.

Because we all know that 4.0's have never felt the weight of a brick before. 

The bricks are thrown the hardest with the words "You're ugly" taped to the side.

Because although the bruise may go away the words are stained forever across your heart.

And my aching bones now resemble the shattered windows.

And my skin's now purple and bruised, because concrete was never meant to be soft.

And maybe that's why my heart is so hard now. 

Why my heart is so cold now.

So forgive me for being so unlovable. And forgive me for being so unforgiving.

Its just that I've been hit one too many times. 

And the bricks have all been laid.

dear you

Dear you 

Remember who you are. 

Remember to be real. 

Remember to love and you will be loved in return.

Remember that blue eyes and dimples are overrated and your hazel ones will do just fine. 

Remember that your short legs work just as well as the long ones you've always wanted. 

And remember that your ACT score does not define you.
Remember that there are better days ahead.
Remember that your first heartbreak wont be the last.
And that's okay.
It just means that there's more people who you get to love.
Remember that you live in a world where hating yourself is normal.
But please remember that its acceptable to love yourself too.

love sick

I thought I knew what love was at 6 when you let me borrow your
favorite eraser.

And I thought I knew what love was at 11 when you hugged me during recess.

And at 14 I thought I knew what love was when our fingers intertwined for the very first time.

At 17 love suddenly became real.
Because this time you kissed me and you meant it.
And this time you looked at me and I felt it.

They say that i'm too young to understand what love is.
And they're probably right.

But I know that the hairs on the back of my neck must understand by the way 

they always seemed to stand on end at the sound of your voice.

And each goose bump that appeared by the touch of your hand was confirmation enough.

You used to say that love would set you free

but I think you lied.

Because every single day of loving you has only left me feeling stuck.
And this love sick feeling has got me feeling claustrophobic.
And the butterflies in my stomach are all dead now.
And my heart keeps beating but it seems to be out of tune
because only your hands knew how to play my heart strings.

They all said I was too young to know what love was and maybe they were right.

But I know that whatever I felt for you was real.

And if it wasn't love then it was pretty damn close.